We might be told not to judge a book by its cover, but when we see a new face that is exactly what we do.
In fact, our brain decides if someone is attractive and trustworthy within just one-tenth of a second, according to research. Those judgements happen so fast that there’s not even enough time for rational thought. Whether the person is attractive or trustworthy are among the fastest judgements we make.
Don’t think you do it? Ever seen a new face and immediately thought this: ‘Wow, they look good! Please look my way’? How about the opposite? Case in point.
But why do we make these snap judgements? Researchers have suggested that it’s an evolutionary survival mechanism that involves the part of the brain which responds to fear. And that brain structure has existed for millions of years, long before the part responsible for rational thoughts ever developed.
So, if we form first impressions too fast for our rational mind to intervene, how can we make sure that other people judge us in a good way?
Two words: body language. Master the art of body language and you can influence how the other person sees you and the outcome of the situation.
Before we go any further, let’s clarify what we’re talking about here. ‘Body language’ refers to all the non-verbal ways we communicate our thoughts and feelings, consciously and subconsciously. It includes our body movements, posture, gestures, facial expressions, eye contact and gaze, vocal tone, volume and pace, and even our breathing patterns.
Most of the time, we’re unaware of the non-verbal clues we’re giving others about what we’re thinking and feeling – we just have instinctive or habitual ways of using our body, face, voice and breath. However, like all skills, we can improve our non-verbal communication so that good body language becomes second nature, and learn how to use it to our advantage in particular situations.
Step 1: Radiate positivity
It’s the advice you get when researching how to ace an interview, but the same body language do’s and don’ts apply in everyday life. After all, a date is like an interview, and when we see someone new, we might want it to lead to a date!
So when it comes to mastering body language, we should avoid behaviours that negatively impact other people’s judgements of us, make them feel uncomfortable or interfere with our efforts to build rapport.
To ensure that we send the right signals we should avoid facial expressions, gestures and bodily movements that can make us seem unfriendly, unhappy, angry bored or disinterested. Instead, we should aim to use body language that makes us appear friendly, happy, interested, and confident but non-intimidating.
Exactly what does all that involve doing and not doing? Find out with one-on-one coaching.
Step 2: Mirror the other person
It’s well and good that we use positive body language, but it would be remiss to focus only on what we are doing. Communication is an exchange of information and the other person is also sending us signals to receive. To master the art of body language, we need to know about mirroring.
‘Mirroring’ refers to matching another person’s body and oral language, and it can occur subconsciously or intentionally. Mirroring is effective because it signals to the other person that we are not only connected and engaged with them, but also similar to them, as long as it does not come across as deliberate or reflect any of their negative signals.
‘Mirroring’ refers to matching another person’s body and oral language, and it can occur subconsciously or intentionally. Mirroring is effective because it signals to the other person that we are not only connected and engaged with them, but also similar to them.
The trick is that mirroring must not come across as forced or reflect any of their negative signals. You can learn how to mirror effectively with one-on-one coaching.
Step 3: Match your words and body
As important as body language is, so too, are our words. We can’t expect someone to see us in a good light if what we say doesn’t make sense in the context of how we are behaving. There needs to be congruence.
Congruence between our body language and oral language refers to a match between our verbal and non-verbal signals. Congruence is important because our body language can have more impact than our oral language. So, if there is a mismatch between the two, the person we are communicating with might rely on our non-verbal signals and disregard the verbal ones.
Yes, we make snap judgements about new people in one-tenth of a second, which makes body language all-important in those instances. But if you want to change a bad first impression or build on a good one, then your words will matter.
So what makes effective oral language and how do you match it to your body language? Get the answers with with one-on-one coaching.
References
(1) Willis J & Todorov A 2006, ‘First Impressions: Making Up Your Mind After a 100-Ms Exposure to a Face’, European Journal of Psychology, vol. 17, no. 7, viewed 30 January 2020, DOI: 10.1111/j.1467-9280.2006.01750.x
Main photo by marymarkevich on Freepik