Have you or your partner ever cheated on each other? If no is your answer, you might want to think again because the line between fidelity and infidelity isn’t always clear.
Cheating can be easy to identify if it involves genital licking, touching, or penetration. But what about more subtle behaviours, like exchanging flirtatious looks with someone who’s not your parter, repeatedly liking their social media posts, or downplaying your current relationship?
Enter the world of ‘micro-cheating’.
For some people, micro-cheating is cheating, while for others it’s just harmless fun. What counts as micro-cheating depends on the relationship and boundaries that have been set, implicitly or explicitly.
But generally, micro-cheating is a set of behaviours that are more emotionally, physically or sexually charged than what is considered acceptable in your relationship. In other words, it’s anything that could eventuate in full-blown cheating.
That means micro-cheating is more than emotional cheating. While the former involves an inappropriate emotional investment, the latter can include others forms of boundary-crossing.
What counts as micro-cheating?
Micro-cheating behaviours depend on the boundaries and expectations in your particular relationship. That said, the most common forms involve texting and repeated likes or direct messages on social media.
‘But I send so many messages with a heart or kiss emoji. I can’t be micro-cheating with all of them!’ You’re right you’re probably not.
So what separates those more innocent behaviours from micro-cheating? Micro-cheating is when you’re physically or emotionally focused on someone outside of your relationship and you wouldn’t want you partner to find out.
What does it look like in real life? Here are 10 examples of micro-cheating and how many adults surveyed consider the behaviours to cross the line into actual cheating (1):
- Contacting an ex on social media: 24% say it’s infidelity
- ‘Liking’ old social media posts (of an ex or love interest): 37% say it’s infidelity
- Repeatedly visiting social media profiles (of an ex or love interest): 41% say it’s infidelity
- Lying about your relationship status on social media: 54% say it’s infidelity
- Keeping an active dating profile: 58% say it’s infidelity
- Contacting an ex or love interest and concealing it from your partner: 62% say it’s infidelity
- Having deep emotional contact with someone outside your relationship: 68% say it’s infidelity
- Listing someone by a code name in your contacts: 75% say it’s infidelity
- Sexting someone outside your relationship: 83% say it’s infidelity
- Sending nude photos to someone outside your relationship: 88% say it’s infidelity
What if it’s you who’s micro-cheating?
The ambiguity of micro-cheating means that you may not be aware you’re doing it. While it may seem harmless to leave a nice comment on someone’s post, a partner may perceive it as threatening or a sign that you’re losing interest in them.
So, how can you tell if you’re micro-cheating? Ask yourself if you’re prioritising someone else, along with their feelings, attention and approval, over your partner. When something good happens, do you tell the other person first? Are you physically affectionate towards them? Do you routinely share extended lunches or dinners without your partner being there, or even knowing?
If the answer is yes, you need to work out why. Has there been a shift in your relationship? Are you getting less attention or intimacy from your partner? Are you losing the spark you once had? Micro-cheating may indicate a problem in your relationship, which, if not addressed could see you (or your partner) slide all the way down the slippery slope into full-blown cheating.
What if you partner is micro-cheating?
If you have a feeling that your partner is micro-cheating and want to address it, you’ll need to have specific examples ready. Even if you’re hurting, make the conversation one of mutual concern – it’s not about you or them, but rather, the relationship.
That means using neutral oral and body language and making it about ‘we’ and ‘us’, not ‘I’, ‘you’ and ‘them’. Accusing, blaming and demanding explanations are more likely to encourage defensiveness than reassurance or repentance.
At the same time, your partner should validate your feelings too. They should not trivialise the situation as ‘no big deal’, cause you to second-guess yourself, or make you feel needy or unreasonable. If they do, it may provide a good reason to reconsider your relationship.
But if your partner listens and expresses themselves with love, care and respect towards you, then your relationship may grow stronger. The next step is to negotiate clear boundaries where there previously may not have been to prevent the either of you from crossing the line again.
References
(1) Victoria Milan 2018, ‘Micro-cheating – The subtle betrayal’, Victoria Milan Blog, viewed 30 March 2021, victoriamilan.com/blog/micro-cheating
Credits
Main photo by lookstudio on Freepik