Have you lost that loving feeling or know that your partner has? Maybe, you’re not even sure how you or they feel anymore?
If you identify with any of these situations, there may be a problem in your relationship.
Around 44 per cent of all marriages globally end in divorce, according to research (1). And, the rate of breakups for romantic relationships is much higher. It’s often assumed that a single event, like infidelity, causes a divorce – and research shows that this particular factor accounts for 18 per cent of cases (2).
But in most instances, relationships fall apart over time. For almost half of couples (44 per cent), the main reason for divorce being incompatible or growing apart (3).
So, it pays to know the top 10 signs of falling out of love in order to take action and keep your lover or move on and feel satisfied without them.
1. You start comparing
Are you starting to compare your relationship to those of others, or from your past, and judge your current one as being somehow worse? Ignoring the positives of your relationship and focusing on aspects of others that are ‘better’ may be a sign that your love is fading.
2. You think in terms of ‘I’ not ‘we’
The very term ‘couple’ implies unity and togetherness. Two people who are married or in a romantic or sexual relationship usually think of themselves as ‘we’ and are treated as such by others. For example, ‘we’ have plans tonight or ‘we’ have been invited to a party. You may be falling out of love if you think and talk more in terms of ‘I’ than ‘we’.
3. Your interests take over
Think of commonalties as glue that brings two people together and makes them stick. We tend to like people who are like us in some way, whether in terms of interests, beliefs, backgrounds, even body language and breathing patterns! When we’re in love, we usually focus on what we have in common with our partner, going to places and doing activities that both of us enjoy. That doesn’t preclude each person from having their own interests, but if your focus becomes skewed towards these, is it because you’re not as in love as you once were?
4. You magnify your differences
You and your partner may always have had differences between you, but are these now your focus? When we’re falling in love, we search for similarities between us and our partner, but when this feeling is fading, we may hold a magnifying glass up to our differences.
5. You spend less time together
Many relationships survive, even thrive, when partners spend limited time with each other. Think of long-term couples who never live together but remain as in love as ever, or fly in-fly out workers whose reunions are passionate despite, or perhaps because of, their time apart. However, if you and your partner are spending less time on shared activities and it’s not due to external factors, could you be falling out of love?
6. You’re facing too many negatives
When you do spend time with your partner, are there more positive or negative interactions? According to relationship psychologist Dr John Gottman, the ‘magic’ ratio between the two is 5:1. His research found that in conflict conversations, happy, stable couples had 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction. A ratio below 5:1 predicted divorce. Outside of conflict conversations, the ratio of positive to negative interactions was higher, at 20:1. (4) If your love is to last, you need to engage in more positive interactions to compensate for the negative ones.
7. You’re unfulfilled
A fulfilling relationship involves attentiveness and work on both sides. So, if you feel unfulfilled by your relationship, it may be because you and/or partner are no longer putting in the time and effort required to ensure that emotional, sexual or other needs are being met.
8. You’re bored
A tell-take sign of falling out of love is feeling bored by the relationship. While we can’t expect to always feel as excited as we did in the early stages, when one partner starts to get tired of the relationship, lose interest or feel stuck, it can motivate them to spice things up or look elsewhere to fulfil their needs and desires.
9. You’re not moving forward together
You used to invest time and effort into developing yourself and your relationship so that you and your partner could be happy together. But if you’ve lost interest in improving yourself, or more so your relationship, is it because you’re falling out of love and don’t want to move forward with your partner?
10. You’ve given up
Some couples make it look easy, but every relationship involves work, each and every day. One of the biggest signs you’ve fallen out of love is that you’ve stopped trying. You’ve lost the motivation to find ways to maintain and improve your relationship going, let alone put them into practice. You’ve given up.
All out of love? Not so fast!
If you’ve fallen out of love, you have two choices: stay or go. In some cases, your partner may be the one who decides for you. Either way, you need to be prepared. So make time to consider your relationship, and the direction you and your partner want it to go. Then start planning – and taking – the steps to get there.
References
(1) Machaalani M 2017, ‘Divorce Rate by Country: The World’s 10 Most and Least Divorced Nations’, Unified Lawyers, viewed 31 March 2020, unifiedlawyers.com.au/blog/global-divorce-rates-statistics
(2) Ibid
(3) Ibid
(4) Rusnak K 2020, ‘The Magic Ratio: The Key to Relationship Satisfaction’, The Gottman Institute, viewed 31 March 2020, gottman.com/blog/the-magic-ratio-the-key-to-relationship-satisfaction
Main photo by gpointstudio on Freepik